The pandemic of unnecessary remakes causes me to worry about the point of mankind. Well, lots of things make me worry about mankind, but redoing Buffy, RoboCop, Spiderman, Total Recall, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… These are the catalysts for the apocalypse, I’m pretty sure.
So I was talking with my wife about things that would signal the end of the world, and I thought, “What if Michael Bay directed a Princess Bride remake?”
I said it out loud and my wife threw her wedding ring at me, cursing, then demanded I stop so she could get out of the car and never see me again. I locked the doors and kept driving, since it was around midnight and we were on the turnpike, where walking is illegal.
I almost want to see a Michael Bay version, just to watch the train wreck that inexplicably explodes from someone sneezing too hard. It would be awful. Truly and irrevocably awful.
Yet so good, just because of that.
My wife has cast her own unnecessary remake, which can be found in a link in this spot or in another post when she finishes writing it. Unlike mine, however, she was actually thinking of a way to make a remake enjoyable to watch. Mine? Sneeze explosion.
Shia LeBeouf as Westley
Who else but this loveable scamp to transform from innocent doe-eyed farmer’s boy to rock solid pirate with the power of love to help him save his woman? I fully expect “The Machine” to explode when Westley overpowers it with teenage angst and his aura of infatuation.
Mila Kunis as Buttercup
Michael Bay knows that it is a rite of passage to sexualize women. Megan Fox knows this, yet won’t work with him for some inconceivable reason. I imagine the casting director would be all like, “Hey, we got Megan to agree to Princess Bride!” and they’d bring Mila in and he’d be like, “Glad to have you back, toots.”
Nicholas Cage as Prince Humperdink
Imagine, if you will, Prince Humperdink, after being scared shitless by Westley’s triumphant stance in the bedchamber. He gets tied up, then sees Westley collapse and realizes he’s been tricked. Cue THIS.
Tom Cruise as The Six-Fingered Man
I don’t think this needs any explanation, but can you believe that Tom and Mike have never done a movie together? Crazy.
Billy Bob Thornton as Vizzini
I was going to say Patton Oswalt, but he wouldn’t be able to do the fist-fight on top of a perilous ridge in a thunderstorm while they wait for the iocaine powder to seize their lives. At least Billy Bob can insult Westley’s penis size with believability, then maybe pull out a gun and try to shoot Westley but miss and explode a mountain billy goat instead.
Steve Austin as Fezzik
As a wink and nod to Andre The Giant’s wrestling career, Steve Austin is the only person who could pull it off, and only after a great deal of blue screen CG body morphism, to make him look bigger than the rest of the cast. Hulk Hogan might actually work better, but Michael Bay doesn’t cast has-beens.
Jackie Chan as Inigo Montoya
As this film is getting overwhelmed with minorities, it would be a difficult pick for Michael Bay to cast yet another. But, you know, Inigo’s eastern heritage, his self-discipline, and that contrasting drive for personal vengeance will really make a statement about the Montoya family name.
Liam Neeson as Miracle Max
Since there are also too many women in this film, we’re writing out Max’s wife. The lonely Max has stricken the Miracle from his name, and now he lives alone, embittered, and weary. Inigo and Fezzik know, somehow, that Westley must be revived, and only Miracle Max can do it. They’ll fight, the wizard versus the two mere mortals, but they have spirit, and that reawakens Max’s sympathy for mankind. After the sparks fall, and the flames subside, he conjures the most powerful magicks and starts Westley’s heart pumping anew.
And last but not least…
Steve Zahn as The Mowage Priest guy
Comic relief is in short supply. Good thing we have just the man for the role. Let’s coke him up and let him loose on the nail-biting marriage scene.
As mentioned, The Machine explodes from the power of love.
Guilder invades Florin at the end, setting us up for the sequel, The Princess Bride 2: 2Lands2Wed
Westley beats the Dread Pirate Roberts at a contest using his farmboy skills to outperform the scurvy old man.
The rodents of unusual size turn out to be two stories tall and breathe fire. Westley must fight off the lumbering beast while rescuing Buttercup from quicksand.