The Expendables: Reverse-Engineered Screenplay

Opening SCENE

Open with GRATUITOUS motorcycle riding. All STUNT DOUBLES wear HELMETS to teach SAFETY.

One MOTORCYCLE stops. We see the TITLE, to establish which movie you are ATTENDING.

The MOTORCYCLES drive on the MOON for some length of time.

Fade to black

First Fight SCENE

Six CAVEMEN enter a BOAT. ROCKY, DRAGO, JACKIE CHAN, HANDSOME ROB, A FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN, and COUTURE are the EXPENDABLES.

On the BOAT also, are SAVAGE BLACK MEN with AK47s. AK47s mean EVIL TERRORISTS.

The CAVEMEN use COMPUTER-GENERATED laser sights to give away their POSITION, then fire on FULL AUTO and hit NOBODY. Then they RAPPEL into the DIRECT LINE of fire.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY make COMICAL small-talk. Now the AUDIENCE knows that they are OLD PALS.

The main SAVAGE TERRORIST threatens a hostage with a crude MACHETE.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY debate killing TECHNIQUES in a mumbly COMICAL manner.

ROCKY uses a FULLY-AUTOMATIC COWBOY gun to kill every SAVAGE black man, because CRUDE MACHETES don’t stand a chance against the WHITE man’s technology.

Fade to black

Character Development SCENE

ROCKY goes to see the ONE ACTOR that took his role to an UNCOMFORTABLY SERIOUS level. MICKEY is a tattoo artist and WOMANIZER in his mercenary RETIREMENT.

He rides in on a MOTORCYCLE but is TOO BADASS to wear a HELMET. Then he forgets the name of the HOT CHICK he is with. This is COMEDY GOLD.

MICKEY finishes ROCKY’S TATTOO, called the EXPENDABLES, like the MOVIE TITLE, in case you forgot what MOVIE you were watching and thought it was possibly ROCKY IV, THE ONE, or THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

Meanwhile, HANDSOME ROB visits the tattoo parlor after being DUMPED by his SUPER HOT, PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD LOVE OF MY LIFE, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE ON THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

Fade to black

Plot Development SCENE

JOHN MCCLANE has a JOB for the CAVEMEN. Utilizing the TELEPHONE, he explains to ROCKY that he offered the job to ANOTHER TEAM.

Enter the TERMINATOR, also via TELEPHONE. HE and ROCKY make SNIDE, MUMBLY REMARKS to each other ad nauseum. Now the AUDIENCE knows that they are OLD RIVALS.

MCCLANE makes an uncomfortable GAY SEX joke. It is AWKWARD because there are only FOUR FEMALE cast members (INCLUDING the OLD BARTENDER with one line).

ROCKY references the FOURTH WALL and politics. Everyone WINKS and NODS at the camera. Wink, nod, wink wink nod nod wink wink FAP.

HERCULES turns down the JOB, then hangs up the PHONE. MCCLANE threatens ROCKY using several derivatives of the word “FUCK.”

Fade to black

Plot Thickening SCENE

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY do RECON on the island. The MEXICANS live in FILTH and SQUALOR and their cars barely run. Do not take that OUT OF CONTEXT.

Female #4 enters after THE ONLY LINE from female #3. #4 helps the CAVEMEN but she is the army general’s DAUGHTER.

The CAVEMEN kill twelve soldiers after trespassing on MILITARY LAND.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY experience CAMARADERIE. Then they RESCUE #4 who is INCAPABLE OF SELF-DEFENSE.

They try to LEAVE with #4 but she WANTS TO STAY on the violently OPPRESSED island. #4 is also RETARDED.

HANDSOME ROB flies the plane to SAFETY, then ROCKY takes over and turns the plane AROUND, JETTISONS FUEL, and FIREBOMBS the island. Because FUCK them, that’s why.

We ASSUME they had fuel enough to arrive home SAFELY.

Fade to black

Plot Thinening SCENE

THE EXPENDABLES decide to ignore the JOB because it is NOT WORTH IT.

Then DRAGO BETRAYS them in a way that actually THINS the RAZOR-EDGED plot, adding NO PERCEIVABLE TENSION.

BRUCE LEE then offers a lonely THIRTY SECONDS of actual ENTERTAINMENT before he is cut short by the DIRECTOR who was busy MASTURBATING in the editing room.

TONY JAA kicks DRAGO’S ass until DRAGO TRANSFORMS into HE-MAN and TURNS THE TABLES. ROCKY shoots HE-MAN in an ambiguously lethal manner. HE-MAN reverts to DRAGO, or possibly the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (It is hard to tell.)

They have a REUNION and APOLLO CREED rolls over in his GRAVE.

Fade to black

A Look Into the Director’s Mind SCENE

HANDSOME ROB visits his ex-girlfriend, LOVE OF MY LIFE, SUPER HOT PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE IN THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, to find her BRUISED FACE and INABILITY TO DEFEND herself.

He finds her other EX and commits six acts of AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, then makes a poorly-written pun about TESTICLES.

I assume he has SEX off-screen with LOVE OF MY LIFE, SUPER HOT PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE IN THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

Meanwhile, #4 is REPEATEDLY TORTURED on-screen for an UNCOMFORTABLE amount of time. Now the AUDIENCE knows that the DIRECTOR is a MISOGYNIST.

ROCKY goes to MICKEY for advice, but instead gets a SCENE from THE WRESTLER. ROCKY LEAVES after having his MIND BLOWN and decides to RESCUE the POINTLESSLY INEPT, #4, because she can PAINT.

Fade to black

Man-gasmically Awesome Dive Into the Director’s Psyche SCENE

ROCKY’S CAVEMAN FRIENDS join him on the PLANE. The FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN recites a SHAKESPEARIAN monologue to COUTURE, who nods POLITELY and in FEAR.

The MONOLOGUE is about HARD-WORKING, PROMINENT CIVIL-RIGHTS ACTIVISTS AND THE GREATER IMPACT THEY UNKNOWINGLY CREATED THAT RIPPLED INTO THE 21ST CENTURY, AIDING BARACK OBAMA’S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN AND ULTIMATELY WINNING HIM THE RESPONSIBILITY OF LEADING A NATION OUT OF AN ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL CRISIS.

Also: SHOTGUNS with EXPLOSIVE SHELLS.

Then, the MEXICAN ARMY wears Mexican wrestling FACE-PAINT.

Now the AUDIENCE knows that the DIRECTOR is a MISOGYNIST and violent RACIST.

Fade to black

I Cannot Even Describe the Awesomeness of this SCENE

THE EXPENDABLES pull several tons of C4 out of the HAMMERSPACE and rig an entire COCAINE-FILLED CASTLE.

Two DIRTY MEXICANS try to RAPE #4, but ROCKY literally cuts them into PIECES with a KNIFE. (Director’s side note: I think chopping their balls off would make a better statement, but that’s distasteful.)

EVERYONE starts fighting. CHOW YUN FAT kicks a guy in the HEAD. ROCKY gets his ASS KICKED but is OKAY. #4 gets CAPTURED again.

The FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN kills countless MEXICAN individuals with his AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN, then screams something unintelligible about CHRISTMAS.

Later, SAID BLACK MAN throws an ARTILLERY SHELL and ROCKY shoots it TWELVE HUNDRED times until it EXPLODES A HELICOPTER.

ROCKY MACHINE-REVOLVERS the BAD GUY and SAVES the GIRL.

Then he LEAVES her as she throws her POINTLESSLY ATTRACTIVE BODY at him, because she ISN’T HIS TYPE.

Fade to black

SCENE

Circle-jerk in the tattoo parlor.

End

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