This is important reading for everyone and should, in my opinion, be the backbone for all sexual education, both in the classroom and at home.

I bought this book shortly after deciding that my major goal in life (aside from being an author) is to be a sex therapist. I specifically want to work on sexual dysfunction within relationships. Reading this book has made me even more interested in the field and I think that, having read this first, I have a good idea of the mainstream challenges I will face going into it, both from academics and the eventual patients themselves. I’m ready to face this head-on and start sharing the good word that sex is awesome, healthy, and taken way too seriously in a negative context.

Please consider reading whether you have all the answers or have a billion questions. It is informative, funny, and sad toward the end when it goes into the history of some of the most oppressive crusades since the actual crusades.

Consider a day of intimacy with a loved one. Sure, you may not get all of that ebay stock moved, but you just got a bajillion experience points towards your lovemaking skills. The same goes for a day spent hiking in the woods, or even a day at work– the contribution of time goes towards something every day.

I have trouble pulling myself away from things that I’m really interested in if I want to apply my time to other experiences, and lately, I’ve been struggling to make time for things that are probably really important towards my eventual overall satisfaction with life.

Writing.

I love writing, well, most of the time at least. There are times when I just feel like things are just too overwhelming and I’ll never figure it out, but they don’t last long before something comes up and allows me to work through it. Someday, I will be a famous author.

Right after I stop putting all my XP into facebook and reddit.

Which, actually, has mostly been accomplished as of this post. I went through a phase a few months ago when reddit was all I did after work and in the hour between making dinner and going to work. I even had reddit bookmarked on my phone so I could check it when I woke up.

I don’t think it was a waste of time. Even now, when I occasionally lose an hour browsing the top 100, I don’t feel the time is wasted. I end up getting a lot of news in a very short period of time, and I’m instantly up to date on the world’s news. Plus, you know, lolcats and porn… which takes up more of the top links than any world news… and I don’t often read beyond the headline… maybe I’m not retaining as much as I think?

Which I know I’m not, because Rachel sometimes asks me, “What’s new on reddit these days?” and I say, “uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh….” cause I don’t know. “Boobs and there was the turtle humping a soccer ball.”

Facebook, before reddit, was my go to time suck. It never took up as much time as reddit has, but I would go through and read all the most recent news, I would play Mafia Wars or Bejeweled Blitz or Scrabble, and comment on some pictures– whatever. Unlike reddit, though, I never felt like I was really keeping anything for the time spent there.

Sure, I could tell which of my friends were going through stress, or who was celebrating something without me, but most people don’t post everything that goes on from day to day. At least, my friends don’t, and if they do, they are on the ignore list. So, now I spend maybe ten minutes a day on facebook if I’m really distracted by it.

Pokemon. That’s the current habit, and the one that was able to help me see the waste of reddit and facebook. Yeah, I don’t actually get to keep a pokemon at my side (Can I tell you how much I would love an Eevee? They’re too cute to handle.) nor is there much bragging right to the statement, “I caught a Mincinno yesterday.”

But, and this is a good but, I get to play with Rachel. We recently bought two DSi systems and both Pokemon Black and White, each of us with one to play. It’s been awesome, trading each other the species that don’t show up in one or the other, and helping one another construct a team that can smash the upcoming gym leaders. I totally traded away my Emolga so Rachel can clean house at the flying gym.

Ahem…

My time is currently invested in a mutual-interest relationship with Rachel. We talk strategy, preferences, plans, trades, all that, and sure, my book isn’t getting written very fast, but my marriage is growing steadily.

I went for a walk this morning to try and get away from the games and go write in the park, but I was attacked by bees, ants, and a cockroach. I got three paragraphs along before I decided to walk home.

As soon as I finish the game, I’m sure my interest will wane, but where will it point itself next? Reddit again? Fallout 3? The Castle by Franz Kafka? (not likely. That’s a tough book to get through) Or something else entirely? Who knows?

I figure I’ll just go with the flow but dig an irrigation ditch here and there to contain said flow into some long-term goals as well as allowing my short-term entertainment.

The cats
in the windows
dreamy and stubborn
we watch together
purr with nature

Heavy eyelids
a sore back
pruney fingertips
It’s time for bed, honey.

So, at church last week, I wrote a few haiku that came from things in the service, but none of them are religious. Enjoy.

~

Reckless treachery

Ninety Miles per hour

ends with a gunshot.

~

Finger walking lines

arpeggio; three note burst

my hands are so sore

~

He is leaving us.

Stealing away with the voice,

we will miss his style.

~

Critically ill.

What can we pray for their life?

Consequences all.

~

Peer over shoulder,

reading all the liner notes,

“Hey, that’s depressing.”

~

There is no justice,

no beauty or ugliness.

Existential? Damn…

Opening SCENE

Open with GRATUITOUS motorcycle riding. All STUNT DOUBLES wear HELMETS to teach SAFETY.

One MOTORCYCLE stops. We see the TITLE, to establish which movie you are ATTENDING.

The MOTORCYCLES drive on the MOON for some length of time.

Fade to black

First Fight SCENE

Six CAVEMEN enter a BOAT. ROCKY, DRAGO, JACKIE CHAN, HANDSOME ROB, A FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN, and COUTURE are the EXPENDABLES.

On the BOAT also, are SAVAGE BLACK MEN with AK47s. AK47s mean EVIL TERRORISTS.

The CAVEMEN use COMPUTER-GENERATED laser sights to give away their POSITION, then fire on FULL AUTO and hit NOBODY. Then they RAPPEL into the DIRECT LINE of fire.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY make COMICAL small-talk. Now the AUDIENCE knows that they are OLD PALS.

The main SAVAGE TERRORIST threatens a hostage with a crude MACHETE.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY debate killing TECHNIQUES in a mumbly COMICAL manner.

ROCKY uses a FULLY-AUTOMATIC COWBOY gun to kill every SAVAGE black man, because CRUDE MACHETES don’t stand a chance against the WHITE man’s technology.

Fade to black

Character Development SCENE

ROCKY goes to see the ONE ACTOR that took his role to an UNCOMFORTABLY SERIOUS level. MICKEY is a tattoo artist and WOMANIZER in his mercenary RETIREMENT.

He rides in on a MOTORCYCLE but is TOO BADASS to wear a HELMET. Then he forgets the name of the HOT CHICK he is with. This is COMEDY GOLD.

MICKEY finishes ROCKY’S TATTOO, called the EXPENDABLES, like the MOVIE TITLE, in case you forgot what MOVIE you were watching and thought it was possibly ROCKY IV, THE ONE, or THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

Meanwhile, HANDSOME ROB visits the tattoo parlor after being DUMPED by his SUPER HOT, PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD LOVE OF MY LIFE, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE ON THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

Fade to black

Plot Development SCENE

JOHN MCCLANE has a JOB for the CAVEMEN. Utilizing the TELEPHONE, he explains to ROCKY that he offered the job to ANOTHER TEAM.

Enter the TERMINATOR, also via TELEPHONE. HE and ROCKY make SNIDE, MUMBLY REMARKS to each other ad nauseum. Now the AUDIENCE knows that they are OLD RIVALS.

MCCLANE makes an uncomfortable GAY SEX joke. It is AWKWARD because there are only FOUR FEMALE cast members (INCLUDING the OLD BARTENDER with one line).

ROCKY references the FOURTH WALL and politics. Everyone WINKS and NODS at the camera. Wink, nod, wink wink nod nod wink wink FAP.

HERCULES turns down the JOB, then hangs up the PHONE. MCCLANE threatens ROCKY using several derivatives of the word “FUCK.”

Fade to black

Plot Thickening SCENE

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY do RECON on the island. The MEXICANS live in FILTH and SQUALOR and their cars barely run. Do not take that OUT OF CONTEXT.

Female #4 enters after THE ONLY LINE from female #3. #4 helps the CAVEMEN but she is the army general’s DAUGHTER.

The CAVEMEN kill twelve soldiers after trespassing on MILITARY LAND.

HANDSOME ROB and ROCKY experience CAMARADERIE. Then they RESCUE #4 who is INCAPABLE OF SELF-DEFENSE.

They try to LEAVE with #4 but she WANTS TO STAY on the violently OPPRESSED island. #4 is also RETARDED.

HANDSOME ROB flies the plane to SAFETY, then ROCKY takes over and turns the plane AROUND, JETTISONS FUEL, and FIREBOMBS the island. Because FUCK them, that’s why.

We ASSUME they had fuel enough to arrive home SAFELY.

Fade to black

Plot Thinening SCENE

THE EXPENDABLES decide to ignore the JOB because it is NOT WORTH IT.

Then DRAGO BETRAYS them in a way that actually THINS the RAZOR-EDGED plot, adding NO PERCEIVABLE TENSION.

BRUCE LEE then offers a lonely THIRTY SECONDS of actual ENTERTAINMENT before he is cut short by the DIRECTOR who was busy MASTURBATING in the editing room.

TONY JAA kicks DRAGO’S ass until DRAGO TRANSFORMS into HE-MAN and TURNS THE TABLES. ROCKY shoots HE-MAN in an ambiguously lethal manner. HE-MAN reverts to DRAGO, or possibly the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (It is hard to tell.)

They have a REUNION and APOLLO CREED rolls over in his GRAVE.

Fade to black

A Look Into the Director’s Mind SCENE

HANDSOME ROB visits his ex-girlfriend, LOVE OF MY LIFE, SUPER HOT PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE IN THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, to find her BRUISED FACE and INABILITY TO DEFEND herself.

He finds her other EX and commits six acts of AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, then makes a poorly-written pun about TESTICLES.

I assume he has SEX off-screen with LOVE OF MY LIFE, SUPER HOT PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD, CHARISMA CARPENTER, WHO PLAYED CORDELIA CHASE IN THE CULT HIT TELEVISION SERIES, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

Meanwhile, #4 is REPEATEDLY TORTURED on-screen for an UNCOMFORTABLE amount of time. Now the AUDIENCE knows that the DIRECTOR is a MISOGYNIST.

ROCKY goes to MICKEY for advice, but instead gets a SCENE from THE WRESTLER. ROCKY LEAVES after having his MIND BLOWN and decides to RESCUE the POINTLESSLY INEPT, #4, because she can PAINT.

Fade to black

Man-gasmically Awesome Dive Into the Director’s Psyche SCENE

ROCKY’S CAVEMAN FRIENDS join him on the PLANE. The FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN recites a SHAKESPEARIAN monologue to COUTURE, who nods POLITELY and in FEAR.

The MONOLOGUE is about HARD-WORKING, PROMINENT CIVIL-RIGHTS ACTIVISTS AND THE GREATER IMPACT THEY UNKNOWINGLY CREATED THAT RIPPLED INTO THE 21^ST CENTURY, AIDING BARACK OBAMA’S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN AND ULTIMATELY WINNING HIM THE RESPONSIBILITY OF LEADING A NATION OUT OF AN ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL CRISIS.

Also: SHOTGUNS with EXPLOSIVE SHELLS.

Then, the MEXICAN ARMY wears Mexican wrestling FACE-PAINT.

Now the AUDIENCE knows that the DIRECTOR is a MISOGYNIST and violent RACIST.

Fade to black

I Cannot Even Describe the Awesomeness of this SCENE

THE EXPENDABLES pull several tons of C4 out of the HAMMERSPACE and rig an entire COCAINE-FILLED CASTLE.

Two DIRTY MEXICANS try to RAPE #4, but ROCKY literally cuts them into PIECES with a KNIFE. (Director’s side note: I think chopping their balls off would make a better statement, but that’s distasteful.)

EVERYONE starts fighting. CHOW YUN FAT kicks a guy in the HEAD. ROCKY gets his ASS KICKED but is OKAY. #4 gets CAPTURED again.

The FIERCE ANGRY BLACK MAN kills countless MEXICAN individuals with his AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN, then screams something unintelligible about CHRISTMAS.

Later, SAID BLACK MAN throws an ARTILLERY SHELL and ROCKY shoots it TWELVE HUNDRED times until it EXPLODES A HELICOPTER.

ROCKY MACHINE-REVOLVERS the BAD GUY and SAVES the GIRL.

Then he LEAVES her as she throws her POINTLESSLY ATTRACTIVE BODY at him, because she ISN’T HIS TYPE.

Fade to black

SCENE

Circle-jerk in the tattoo parlor.

End

You get all pumped up for keeping a schedule and then everything comes up and in the way.

I got engaged and then my wireless driver disappeared off the macbuntu and I can’t make convenient updates now. This phone is unwieldy; I can’t handle real posts with it.

And with that, I’m out to fix the computer again.

(July edit)

Also, getting married and moving in the same month makes for stress and no time for the computer. Maybe things will settle down again someday.

So I had this one and I really worked it over, filling all but two or three pages. The cover started to fray and fall apart, so I glued it back together. The first page has my name and address and, the most important part, a reward for returning it.

It went missing about a month ago, near as I can tell. With the novel taking up all of my focus trying to just finish it so I could go back and finish the little things (and big things) that need fixed, I didn’t make any effort to find it. Now it must be long gone, cause I have no idea where it may have disappeared to. Didn’t get washed, isn’t in any pockets or uniforms, not in the bathroom or car…

Probably in the X dimension where I psychically teleported it in a subconscious attempt to sabotage the book.

My favorite notebook
The one with all of my notes
It has gone missing…

He found that when it came time to review the grades, the students that submitted more quantity actually ended up with more quality work at the end of the year than the students that chose to focus on quality alone.

Since then, I have adopted a quantity mindset in writing. Even if I have no ideas and barely want to pick up my pen, I think, “Just write a haiku. Quick and easy.”

That’s why I write so many haiku. They’re ridiculously simple, yet lend themselves well to punchlines for humor, and require no extra thought on rhyming schemes and rhythm.

One night, at work, I thought up two or three video-game-inspired haiku, and today I expanded them into a themed series. Here is part one of the Zelda haiku series:

All of this is to say that the majority of my work is done at present. My decrepit, poorly maintained blog will no longer bring the chagrin that has plagued since its inception. From henceforth, I shall update this blog regularly, at least four times a week, posting sweet nothings and lovely somethings mostly in the form of poetry, unless I have something useful to say. I have such a backlog of poetry that has been growing in my little pocket notebook that there is no real excuse for not posting. I don’t even have to think, I just have to copy it down and click “Publish.”

So, without further ado, I give you words.

*

Stupendous Haiku.

Majorly great and neato.

Amazing poems.

See, I just made that up. Just now. Off the top of my sweet lyric-writing mind. And Sweet-lyric writing-mind. See what I did there? See? See.

They’re in the section with the other Haiku.